Finding Common Ground in a Divided World

The art of respectful disagreement is vanishing. Instead of respectfully working through discrepancies, differences in viewpoints are turning personal, ruining friendships and dividing families.

John Inazu is trying to chip away at that polarization.

The Sally D. Danforth Distinguished Professor of Law and Religion at Washington University Law School, Inazu delivered the lecture “Learning to Disagree: Finding Common Ground in a Divided World” during an October 8 event sponsored by the Personal Development StudioLab. An author, lawyer, and First Amendment scholar who’s consulted with protestors on both ends of the political spectrum, Inazu shared stories from his life, explaining how he went from earning a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering to becoming a respected Constitutional scholar writing about assembly, protest, and religion.

He also shared his advice for learning to disagree with empathy, drawing from his recent book, Learning to Disagree (Zondervan Books, 2024).

Slow down

Pausing and taking a breath gives more time to get into the headspace of disagreeing well. Inazu said he’s a Type-A efficiency-driven lawyer whose nature is not to slow down. Even he needs to remind himself to pause and think of the person across from him.

“Whether it’s a clerk at the county records office or a neighbor, I need to slow down and see the human being,” Inazu said.

Inazu once learned that the hard way.

Early in his legal career, Inazu worked on document review and was billing hourly. One Saturday, Inazu was billing hours but got into an extended argument with his wife. The conflict lasted five hours, or so Inazu thought.

“And then I looked up at her and said, ‘do you know how much money this argument just cost us?’” Inazu recalled. “This was an example of me not paying attention to the person in front of me, not slowing down, with dire consequences in that case which led to, let’s just say, less hourly time [to bill] the rest of the afternoon.”

Listen to understand

In complex environments with people whose experiences, values, and views vary widely, one can learn from others if they are listening to understand. Not, Inazu said, just listening for an opening to rebut and argue. Paying attention to non-verbal cues is key, as is making eye contact instead of looking down.

Balance kindness and courage

Inazu said universities are currently struggling with balancing civic kindness with civic courage. He said universities and other entities should encourage authentic views, including real disagreements. Sometimes, that will mean people feel unsettled and maybe even offended.

“That’s OK, but in the midst of that, we also generally want people not to be jerks about this,” Inazu said. “Don’t think that just because you have a right to speak that you should always say your mind. I think one of the greatest lies we all learned as kids is ‘sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ It’s just fundamentally untrue.”

He added that people should also have the self-awareness to know whether they speak too much and need to listen more, or if they need more courage to speak up and realize their voice does matter.

Know your blind spots

Friends are great for many things. One of them is pointing out blind spots.

Inazu has a friend who teaches at Duke University’s law school. Shortly after the 2014 protests in Ferguson, Missouri, following the death of Michael Brown, Inazu visited the friend, who is Black.

Inazu and the friend went out to lunch and Inazu dropped him off in front of the law school, stopping in a 10-minute loading zone. As soon as they pulled up, a campus police officer implored them to leave. Inazu was going to talk back to the officer and point at the sign. The friend turned up his hands and said ‘no problem’ and opened the door to get out of the car.

Inazu called his friend as he drove away and wondered why he didn’t use his influence to get the officer fired. The friend said “the fact you can even ask the question shows me that you still don’t understand what’s going on here.” The friend said if they had been in downtown Durham, North Carolina, which is full of Black business owners and elected officials, he might think the police would tread cautiously and find out who he was. But on campus, the friend said, the officers do not have a category for a Black law professor and did not want to take any chances with an armed policeman.

“It took a friend to speak truthfully into my life and see that more fully,” Inazu said.

Practice grace and forgiveness with each other and yourself

Universities are, by definition, a learning environment where people come across others with whom they have deep differences. Navigating difference can be both challenging and rewarding. It is an essential part of learning that includes the reality that people will make mistakes. If everybody can respond to mistakes with grace and forgiveness, they can help forge connections instead of divisions.

“If we can work toward a culture that practices forgiveness, we will all be better off for it,” Inazu said. “The university is a learning environment but so is the rest of life.”

All of Inazu’s advice comes with one small caveat. A part of healthy disagreement and learning these skills, Inazu said, is being wise and prudent about when – and when not – to engage.

“If you want to practice this, if you’re thinking ‘this is good but I don’t really know how to try this out and work on it,’ don’t choose Thanksgiving as your starting point,” Inazu said. “There is something that is always harder with family. When you think about what Thanksgiving represents, it’s family-plus. The stakes are even higher. Try this out with some friends and acquaintances first and save the PhD-level family engagement for later on.”